Go look at anybody’s profile between the ages of 13 and 30, and you’ll find at least three DIY photos of themselves. You can tell this by that trusty outstretched arm in the photo, and the fact that they’re [usually] by themselves. This means they must have had a great time posing alone in the privacy of their bedrooms, and then sifted through all 35 potential shots after the fact, choosing only the ‘sexiest’ ones to put up.
Some narcissistic guys take it to the extreme and pose in the mirror while snapping away. That way, they get to see the result of that enticing pic in real time, and they can get that muscle-induced stance just right. If you think about it, it boils down to a primal thing. Cavemen used to pound their chests and show off their muscles to potential mates 30 000 years ago. Nowadays, all that muscle-showing and chest-pounding has been reduced to voyeurism at the click of button, all while sitting at your desk.
I see so many Facebookers with albums called, “Rosie’s Baby Shower” and “Trip down the Garden Route” and “Dean’s 21st”. But why even name the place or occasion of these events, when all the pictures are just of everybody’s drunk faces? You would never know it was Rosie’s baby shower, because there are no pictures of her unwrapping any presents or of the lovely pink décor her sister put so much effort into. Instead, Rosie hardly features in the album at all – all the pics are of you and other friends’ faces, pouting for the camera. Why even mention your trip was down the Garden Route, when all the bloody photos are only of you and said friends in the car?! No doubt, pouting.
As for Dean’s 21st, no one could say where it was, what the venue even looked like and what the theme was, because, again, all the photos are of you (mostly) huddled up to friends, smiling drunkenly at the camera! Or, pouting.
Some albums were made purely for Facebook. It’s as if people have forgotten the point of spending actual quality time together as real-life friends, and instead just get together to pose all night so they can look cool on Facebook. Well, you don’t.
Another one of my gripes: status updates. Aaargh ... I don’t care what you ate for breakfast, especially if it was just freakin’ bacon and eggs, like what 40 million other people on earth just ate. Now, if it was a caviar and cottage cheese pancake you ate, while basking in the morning sunlight at the Westcliff hotel, because it’s your 10th wedding anniversary, maybe then it would spark slight interest. No one cares about a stupid ham sandwich.
And even worse than completely uninteresting updates about what you’re eating, are updates about your bodily functions after what you ate. Someone recently thought the world would love to know about their awful tummy reaction after eating too much beef curry. Why …?
Even more sweaty-palm-inducing status updates are the ones where Facebookers try to entice other Facebookers with the ‘extremely scandalous’ fight they’re having with their unnamed friend and/or colleague. They say things like, “If you’re trying to be inconspicuous, try a little harder B*tch!”.
Why don’t you try being a little more inconspicuous and speak to said friend and/or colleague yourself, instead of blasting them for the world to see. Then, bored people comment on this status, saying things like, “Who are you upset with honey?” and “Just tell that person to sod off!” and “I’m so sorry you’re having a bad day!”. If you really gave a crap you would pick up the phone, or *gasp!* go see the person in a tangible reality.
And if you have more than 2 700 photos of yourself, get a life. And 3 000 Facebook friends? I don’t think so.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m quickly going to delete all my Facebook pictures of me pouting, before you start verbally abusing my wall …
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